Julia becomes worried about her boyfriend, Holt, when he explores the dark urban legend of a mysterious video said to kill the watcher seven days after viewing. She sacrifices herself to save her boyfriend and in doing so makes a horrifying discovery: there is a “movie within the movie” that no one has ever seen before.
And here we go again. Rings, which I will henceforth refer to either as Self-Fellating Face Farts, Anal Hemorrhage Deluge, or Dinosauric Yeast Infection, is a new, big budget sequel to 2002’s The Ring and 2005’s The Ring Two. Unless you’re are a Japanese soldier lost on some random desert island that still thinks you’re fighting the allies, you should know that The Ring is probably one of the most popular horror movies every made – some of you may even know the original is actually a remake of the Japanese film, Ringo.
So, does Rings stack up to its famous older sibling? Does it carry the torch; stand in its own spotlight? Samara is back, the tape is back, the fly is back – pretty much everything that gets those synapses firing and those memories working is here for the next sequel…everything except the horror.
This is literally the worst horror with a respectable budget that I have ever seen. Ever. Even those useless Amityville and Annabelle flicks had at least some sense of fright to them –and I genuinely detest those films. The new animated Scooby Doo movie that I downloaded for my soon-to-be three-year-old son was leagues better. I have had arguments with Mormons that had more substance. I have had ingrown hairs that I’ve found more disturbing. I’ve been more afraid of a wet fart than I was at any point of this film’s entire runtime. I’ve left better rings in my toilet bowl.
There is a high production value, that much is clear from the onset of the film, but the rest of it so painfully melodramatic. The characters are so poorly conceived and written that it’s hard to like anyone whatsoever. The score is terribly unimaginative and the plot It’s so formulaic that it is face-clawingly dull. The MLP fanfiction archive probably has a comparable writing staff.
This film is literally heartless in the sense that it was made with a singular intent – Money. It is the antithesis of creativity; filmed according to carefully constructed guidelines, filled with pseudo-famous faces, and sculpted and scripted into soulless production that uses recognition and marketing to turn a profit.
Fuck this movie.
No trailer below, don’t waste your time.
Site founder. Horror enthusiast. Metalhead.